Nigel Farage Launches ‘Brexit Bitter’ – The Ale That Promises to Make Britain Grumpy Again

Nigel Farage strode into the Dog & Duck like a returning conqueror, pint already in hand, and declared war on sobriety. “This isn’t just beer,” he boomed to a crowd of three regulars and a sleeping Labrador. “This is Brexit Bitter – the only pint that tastes of sovereignty, smells of victory, and leaves a lingering aftertaste of ‘I told you so’.”

The Reform UK leader claims the brew is made exclusively with Channel water (“none of that contaminated EU stuff”), patriotic yeast “sourced from bakers who still use ounces”, and hops grown on the White Cliffs of Dover. Early sippers described it as “hoppy, defiant, and strangely nostalgic for arguments about bendy bananas”.

With 4,000 pubs shutting last year, Farage’s masterplan is simple: every landlord who plays Rule Britannia on a loop and bans the word “latte” gets a free keg. “If you can’t handle the hops,” he told reporters while doing his trademark chin-tilt, “you can’t handle the country.”

Opponents were quick to pour cold water – or rather, warm continental lager – on the scheme. “Farage’s beer is exactly like his politics,” sneered one industry wag. “Frothy, over-promised, and guaranteed to give you a splitting headache by closing time.” Green campaigners warned the Channel-sourced water contains more microplastics than actual patriotism.

Undeterred, Farage has already challenged the Prime Minister to a public pint-pulling contest. Winner decides immigration policy. Loser buys the next round.

The Dafty can exclusively reveal production begins next week in a secret location “definitely not in Brussels”. Early orders are flooding in from men who still call waiters “mate” and women who know the difference between a proper ale and “that foreign nonsense”.

Britain’s pubs may be dying, but at least they’ll go down swinging – straight into a glass of pure, unfiltered Farage. Cheers!