Scottish Government Unveils Bold New Plan to Fix Everything by Thursday

In a surprise press conference held beside a broken vending machine in Holyrood, the Scottish Government has announced an ambitious new initiative titled “Operation Sort It, Aye?”, a sweeping plan promising to fix every major national issue by this coming Thursday.

Deputy First Minister Morag McLintock, speaking while wrestling a packet of stuck crisps from the machine, said the government was “finally ready to take decisive, meaningful action—mainly because the public keeps asking when we’re actually going to do something.”

The plan, which spans 412 pages and at least three different fonts, outlines a series of bold reforms including:

– A national pothole‑filling blitz using “community‑sourced gravel”

– A new energy strategy powered entirely by wind, rain, and the collective sighs of commuters

– A cost‑of‑living taskforce instructed to “just make everything cheaper, somehow”

– A cultural initiative encouraging citizens to smile at strangers “at least once a week, unless they look pure raging”

Critics have already questioned the feasibility of the timeline, noting that Thursday is “awfy soon” and that previous government projects have struggled to meet deadlines even when given several years and a generous biscuit budget.

McLintock dismissed these concerns. “Look, we’ve tried long‑term planning and it’s clearly no’ our thing. This time we’re going for speed. Urgency. Chaos. The nation deserves results, and frankly, we’ve run out of excuses.”

When asked what would happen if the government failed to deliver by Thursday, McLintock paused, sighed, and replied, “Then we’ll simply move the deadline to next Thursday. That’s the beauty of modern governance.”

The vending machine was later declared “beyond repair,” and has been added to the list of national infrastructure challenges scheduled for urgent attention—also by Thursday.