Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer is reportedly “open in principle” to popping back to Britain some time before December, multiple sources have told The Dafty.The bombshell claim comes as the PM was yesterday pictured in Singapore teaching the Sultan how to do the Macarena at a £400-a-head “Global Friendship Gala”, having flown straight from a […]
Home Office officials confirmed last night that Kanye West has been refused entry to headline Wireless Festival in July. The official letter, delivered by a man in a hi-vis vest who looked genuinely embarrassed, states: “Mr West’s presence would not be conducive to the public good.”A government source, speaking from behind a large pot plant, […]
LONDON – In the most expensive knitting project since the Bayeux Tapestry, Britain’s Artemis II mission has delivered the greatest diplomatic breakthrough in human history: the aliens hate Keir Starmer too.Three astrobots – hand-knitted pink mice in orange hi-vis vests – landed yesterday on the perpetually shaded rim of Shackleton Crater. Their brief was simple: […]
In a stunning display of environmental leadership, Climate and Net Zero Secretary Ed Miliband has reportedly spent more than £800,000 of taxpayers’ money ferrying himself and his entourage to the COP30 summit in Brazil – all in the name of saving the planet. Sources close to the delegation confirm the bill includes first-class and private […]
In a bold attempt to “streamline the nation’s anxieties,” the UK Government has unveiled a National Panic Calendar, a colour‑coded weekly schedule designed to help citizens keep track of which crisis they’re meant to be freaking out about at any given moment. The initiative follows a month in which ministers struggled to decide whether the […]
In a surprise press conference held beside a broken vending machine in Holyrood, the Scottish Government has announced an ambitious new initiative titled “Operation Sort It, Aye?”, a sweeping plan promising to fix every major national issue by this coming Thursday.Deputy First Minister Morag McLintock, speaking while wrestling a packet of stuck crisps from the […]
Nigel Farage strode into the Dog & Duck like a returning conqueror, pint already in hand, and declared war on sobriety. “This isn’t just beer,” he boomed to a crowd of three regulars and a sleeping Labrador. “This is Brexit Bitter – the only pint that tastes of sovereignty, smells of victory, and leaves a […]
In a groundbreaking announcement that blended politics with patties, Donald Trump revealed he has bought the entire McDonald’s corporation. The rebrand to TrumpDonald’s aims to make every meal a winning experience for all Americans. At the launch event in sunny Florida, the outspoken businessman stood tall behind a podium made of stacked burgers and declared […]
LONDON – In a medical miracle that has left sleep specialists baffled and insomniacs everywhere reaching for the remote, 58-year-old Margaret “Maggie” Hargreaves finally achieved a full eight hours of uninterrupted slumber last night – thanks entirely to Prime Minister Keir Starmer’s latest address to the nation.Hargreaves, a retired librarian from Slough who has endured […]
First Minister John Swinney marked International Women’s Day by unveiling a giant banner outside Holyrood reading “Celebratin Wummin – Nae Definitions Needed” while SNP ministers posed for selfies in rainbow sashes.In a George Square speech, Swinney declared: “We honour wummin – the folk wi empowering energy, wummin’s intuition, and… whatever else feels right. Nae chromosomes […]