No Timetable For Anything As Nation Unsure If Even Lunch Is Still Going Ahead

In a week when the government promised “stability”, the country has instead been treated to the political equivalent of a washing machine stuck on spin cycle, as Downing Street confirmed there is “no timetable” for Prime Minister Keir Starmer’s departure — or, apparently, for anything else at all.

The announcement followed days of speculation, internal grumbling, and at least one MP reportedly Googling “how to stage a leadership contest politely”. Senior figures insisted the PM remains “resilient”, “focused”, and “definitely not packing a cardboard box”, despite 92 Labour MPs calling for clarity on when he might step aside.

In a press briefing that lasted longer than most people’s patience, a spokesperson reiterated that there would be “no timetable for departure”, “no timetable for discussion of a timetable”, and “no timetable for when we might next update the lack of timetable”.

Meanwhile, leadership hopefuls have begun circling like shoppers waiting for a parking space, with Wes Streeting and Andy Burnham sparking a fresh row over whether the UK should rejoin the EU — a debate one Labour MP described as “staggering” and “out of touch”, given the party is still recovering from a bruising week in its traditional heartlands.

Voters across the country say they are now unsure whether anything has a timetable. One resident in Wigan told The Dafty he wasn’t even confident his bin collection was still scheduled. “If the PM can’t say when he’s leaving, how am I supposed to know when the brown bin goes out?” he asked.

Downing Street has promised further updates “in due course”, which experts say is political code for “absolutely no idea”.