Spice Girls Reunion Tour: “Girl Power” Now Officially Means “Power Through the Menopause”
LONDON — The five women who once told the world what they really, really wanted have finally decided: it was a fat pension and the sweet release of nostalgia cash.
In a press conference held inside a giant inflatable Union Jack that kept deflating every time Geri Halliwell spoke, the Spice Girls announced “Forever Spice: One Last Hurrah Before We All Need Walking Frames.” Tickets go on sale tomorrow and are expected to sell out faster than Victoria Beckham’s last attempt at singing in public.
Victoria “Posh” Beckham, now 51 and allergic to both melody and affordable clothing, declared she would “temporarily lower her standards to join the proletariat for three months.” She has already designed the official tour merch: £450 hoodies that say “Wannabe Warm Again” and come with built-in hot-flush sensors.
Melanie “Scary” Brown arrived on a mobility scooter painted like a flame and threatened to “scare the patriarchy” by forgetting the words to every song. Emma “Baby” Bunton brought her actual baby — now 19 and mortified — who will perform the backing vocals while hiding behind a giant dummy. Sporty Spice revealed she can still do the splits “if someone oils the hips first,” and Ginger Spice unveiled a new Union Jack dress stitched entirely from old tax returns.
The setlist promises classics rebranded for the over-50 crowd: “Stop” becomes “Stop Right Now, My Knees Are Killing Me,” while “Viva Forever” is now “Viva Forever… Or At Least Until The Interval.” Special guest appearance by a hologram of the 1997 versions of themselves, because even the girls admit the originals were better.
A spokesperson for the tour insisted the reunion is “about female empowerment.” When asked whose, she replied: “Ours. Yours is just the ticket price.”
The Dafty has obtained the rider: one case of HRT patches, five pairs of reading glasses, and a paramedic on standby “in case anyone attempts the ‘zig-a-zig-ha’ too vigorously.”
Girl Power, it seems, never left. It just got a bus pass.
