Astrobots Touch Down on Dark Side of Moon – Discover Aliens Also Think Keir Starmer is a W*nker

LONDON – In the most expensive knitting project since the Bayeux Tapestry, Britain’s Artemis II mission has delivered the greatest diplomatic breakthrough in human history: the aliens hate Keir Starmer too.

Three astrobots – hand-knitted pink mice in orange hi-vis vests – landed yesterday on the perpetually shaded rim of Shackleton Crater. Their brief was simple: plant a Union Jack, collect some dust, and come home before the Lib Dems demanded proportional representation on the moon.

Instead they found a welcoming party of seven-foot, tentacled beings holding a glowing banner in perfect English that read: “Keir Starmer is a W*nker – Discuss.”

Mission leader Astrobot One (call-sign “Derek”) immediately live-streamed the encounter. “We’ve been here six minutes,” he squeaked, “and they’ve already shown us seventeen memes. Their favourite is the one where he looks like a confused geography teacher who’s lost his clipboard.”

The aliens, who call themselves the Zogblatts, explained via universal translator that they have been monitoring Earth broadcasts since 1973. “Your prime minister’s speeches are the only thing in this solar system that makes our antennae go limp,” said High Zogblatt Grok’thar. “We tried to invade in 2024 but gave up after his conference speech. Too depressing even for us.”

Back in Westminster, Number 10 issued a terse statement: “The government does not comment on extraterrestrial polling.” Meanwhile, the Conservative Party has already booked the astrobots for Prime Minister’s Questions next week.

Derek and his knitted comrades are expected home next month with several crates of Zogblatt moon-brandy and a formal invitation for Starmer to “visit the dark side – we’ve saved him a seat.”

Scientists at the European Space Agency confirmed the discovery is “100% real” and “somehow still less embarrassing than the last budget.”