Mechanic Sacked for Inappropriate Misconduct After Repeatedly Revving His Tool in Public
Grease-stained headlines are flying out of Gearville Auto Repair after veteran wrench-turner Ricky “Torque Master” Vance was given the boot for treating every undercarriage like his personal playground. The 46-year-old grease monkey simply couldn’t keep his long, throbbing extension tool holstered whenever a vehicle rolled in looking “a little tight.”
“Routine service, same filthy show,” muttered bay-mate Lenny “The Lift” Russo. “Customer pops the hood, Ricky drops his overalls to the ankles for ‘better access,’ grips his thick, oiled-up extension bar, gives it a few vigorous pumps to prime the action, then rams it deep into the engine bay with grunts that could wake the dead. ‘Gotta feel for that sweet spot,’ he growls, twisting and thrusting till fluids start squirting everywhere.”
Single mum Carla Oleson still blushes recounting her SUV tune-up: “Check-engine light on. Ricky slides underneath, legs spread wide, and starts furiously working his rigid rod into my transmission. ‘She’s dry and begging for it,’ he pants, hammering away with long, deliberate strokes. Suddenly the whole undercarriage gushes—oil, coolant, my dignity—all over the shop floor. Car fixed. My jeans ruined. Ricky beaming like he just won the Indy 500.”
Shop owner Vic Hardshift had laid down the law multiple times: “Ricky, that extension stays in the toolbox until we’ve diagnosed the actual problem. No more surprise probing in front of soccer mums or church groups!” The warnings spun out.
The final redline came during a charity “Ladies’ Lube & Learn” event at Gearville Community Centre. Mid-lecture on “proper dipstick technique,” Ricky eyed a vintage Mustang with a suspicious rattle, yanked out his pride and joy, gave the shaft a slow, teasing polish in front of the stunned crowd, and bellowed, “Ladies, when you’ve got a hot, throbbing engine that’s seized up tight, you don’t pussyfoot—you grease it up, slide your tool in balls-deep, twist till you hit resistance, then pound it relentlessly till she screams, shudders, and blows her load in a glorious, sticky explosion!”
Screams. Spilled coffee. One attendee’s stiletto snapped clean off in the getaway. The garage terminated him for “egregious tool abuse,” “unauthorised deep-crank insertion,” and “flagrant mechanical exhibitionism.”
Ricky’s now running “Ricky’s Mobile Torque & Release—Any Engine, Any Hour, No Judgment.” His jacked-up van promises: “I’ll rev your tightest spots till you’re purring and leaking—satisfaction guaranteed or your dipstick stays disappointed.”
Gearville council is drafting “Extension Restraint Bylaws,” compulsory tool chastity pouches, and a town-wide “Keep It Socketed” safety campaign. Locals mourn not the firing, but the town’s lost innocence—washed away in one too many premature oil changes.
