NHS Warns Nation To Stop Diagnosing Themselves With Exotic Conditions They Found on Page 7 of Google

In a bold new public health campaign launched yesterday, NHS Scotland has politely begged the nation to “calm doon” after a record number of citizens diagnosed themselves with conditions previously only seen in 18th‑century sailors, rare Amazonian parrots, and one unlucky Victorian chimney sweep.

According to officials, the surge began when a Glasgow man searched “Why am I tired?” and, after scrolling past six pages of sensible advice, concluded he had “definitely contracted Moon Lung,” a disease that does not exist but “sounds scientific enough to be worrying.”

Dr. Fiona McLatchie, who has spent the last month explaining to patients that they do not have “spontaneous bone evaporation syndrome,” says the trend is exhausting. “One woman insisted she had ‘acute elbow melancholy.’ Another claimed her aura had slipped a gear. I’m a GP, not a mechanic for vibes.”

The NHS campaign, titled “Step Away From the Search Bar, Ya Weapon,” encourages people to seek medical advice from actual professionals rather than anonymous usernames like HerbalWarrior92 or CelticChakraDaddy.

A spokesperson added, “If your symptoms match a condition found only in penguins, medieval manuscripts, or a documentary narrated by David Attenborough, it’s probably no’ that.”

Despite the warnings, early reports suggest the campaign may already be backfiring. One Edinburgh man claims he developed “awareness fatigue” after reading the leaflet, while another insists the poster’s colour scheme triggered his “latent tartan sensitivity.”

The NHS remains optimistic. “We just want people to stop diagnosing themselves with diseases that sound like rejected Marvel villains,” Dr. McLatchie said. “If you think you’ve got ‘Quantum Gland Disorder,’ you probably just need a nap.”