Transplant: Man Becomes First to Receive Pig Kidney, Said to be Making Progress Using Plenty of Oinkment

In a medical miracle that’s got ethicists squealing and vegans reaching for the kale, 67-year-old Andy Ham from Glasgow has proudly declared himself the world’s first recipient of both a pig kidney transplant and a follow-up human one.

The porcine powerhouse served as a heroic “bridge” organ, keeping him alive long enough to snag a proper human spare part. Ham, beaming in his patterned hospital gown like a man who’s just won the lottery (or a lifetime supply of bacon), revealed he even gave the swine-sourced kidney an affectionate nickname: “Bacon Bits.” “It was pumping away like a champ,” he told reporters. “I figured if it’s going to live inside me, it deserves a cute name. Plus, it filtered better than my old one ever did.”

Doctors at Wishaw General Hospital hailed the xenotransplant as revolutionary, though Ham joked the real breakthrough was his sudden craving for apple sauce and wallowing in mud baths. “I wake up feeling refreshed, but now I snort when I laugh. Coincidence? I think not.”

Post-surgery, Ham admitted the scar from the pig-to-human swap is healing nicely, but he’s stocking up on “oinkment” just in case. “You know, the special cream for when your new kidney starts acting up—oinkment. Rub it on thick, and the scar stops oinking at night.”

Critics warn of slippery slopes toward full-farmyard organ swaps, but Ham remains optimistic. “Next up: pig heart for Valentine’s Day? I’ve got room.” For now, he’s enjoying his hybrid status—part man, part bacon enthusiast—and urging others to embrace the future: “If a pig can save your life, who are we to ham it up?”