LONDON – In a medical miracle that has left sleep specialists baffled and insomniacs everywhere reaching for the remote, 58-year-old Margaret “Maggie” Hargreaves finally achieved a full eight hours of uninterrupted slumber last night – thanks entirely to Prime Minister Keir Starmer’s latest address to the nation.Hargreaves, a retired librarian from Slough who has endured […]
President Donald J. Trump escalated his standoff with Tehran today by threatening to carpet-bomb Iran with endless loops of Friends and Everybody Loves Raymond, calling the sitcoms “the most powerful weapons in the history of the world, folks — nobody does television like us.”Speaking from Mar-a-Lago, Trump brandished a remote control like a scepter. “If […]
Grease-stained headlines are flying out of Gearville Auto Repair after veteran wrench-turner Ricky “Torque Master” Vance was given the boot for treating every undercarriage like his personal playground. The 46-year-old grease monkey simply couldn’t keep his long, throbbing extension tool holstered whenever a vehicle rolled in looking “a little tight.”“Routine service, same filthy show,” muttered […]
Residents of a normally quiet tenement in Dennistoun were left stunned yesterday after 42‑year‑old Craig McWhirter reported his smart fridge for “persistent emotional harassment” and “unprovoked nutritional shaming.”McWhirter, who bought the fridge in January during what he describes as “a moment of weakness in Currys,” claims the appliance has spent weeks offering unsolicited commentary on […]
LONDON – In what officials are calling “the single greatest public service since the invention of the duvet day,” the newly created Ministry of Common Sense has unveiled legislation to abolish Mondays forever.Minister Reginald P. Snoozebutton addressed a sparsely attended press briefing – strategically scheduled on a Friday – with the confidence of a man […]
First Minister John Swinney marked International Women’s Day by unveiling a giant banner outside Holyrood reading “Celebratin Wummin – Nae Definitions Needed” while SNP ministers posed for selfies in rainbow sashes.In a George Square speech, Swinney declared: “We honour wummin – the folk wi empowering energy, wummin’s intuition, and… whatever else feels right. Nae chromosomes […]
In a plot twist that would make Monty Python blush, Home Secretary Shabana Mahmood’s office has been buried under an avalanche of pleas from Britain’s disillusioned youth. Following the government’s controversial £3,000 “voluntary departure” payouts to asylum seekers – wait, no, scratch that; it’s now £40,000 for some lucky deportees to Rwanda or wherever – […]
In a medical miracle that’s got ethicists squealing and vegans reaching for the kale, 67-year-old Andy Ham from Glasgow has proudly declared himself the world’s first recipient of both a pig kidney transplant and a follow-up human one. The porcine powerhouse served as a heroic “bridge” organ, keeping him alive long enough to snag a […]
Aries (21 Mar – 19 Apr)Love — You’ll attempt a grand romantic gesture that accidentally involves a fire alarm. Surprisingly, it works.Luck — Medium, but only when wearing mismatched socks.Money — A “wee treat” becomes a “big spend” becomes “why is my bank texting me?”.Lottery chances — You’ll get two numbers right and immediately claim […]
In a bold display of Caledonian solidarity, the Scottish Government has announced a groundbreaking humanitarian package for Ukraine: 50,000 crates of Irn Bru, several thousand pre-battered deep-fried Mars Bars, and an industrial tanker of extra-strong coke – with a street value determined by the Glasgow underworld.Scotland’s First Minister described the shipment as “a wee taste […]
