Celtic Launch Shock Late Bid for 68-Year-Old Dennistoun Dynamo After Historic Greggs-and-Pints Display
In a dramatic twist that has stunned Scottish football and at least three passers‑by on Duke Street, Celtic are reportedly preparing a sensational late bid to sign 68‑year‑old Laurie McCall of Dennistoun after talent scouts witnessed what insiders are calling “the most complete performance in Scottish sporting history.”
McCall, best known as a regular caller to Clyde 1 Superscoreboard — where he once spent seven full minutes explaining why modern full‑backs “lack the natural swagger of 1970s joiners” — is said to have caught Celtic’s attention during an impromptu eating session outside Greggs on Thursday afternoon.
According to eyewitnesses, McCall demolished five Greggs pies in under ten minutes, pausing only to wipe crumbs from his Celtic home top before calmly washing the lot down with eight pints at a nearby pub. One scout allegedly phoned Parkhead immediately, breathlessly describing McCall as “a throwback number nine with elite pastry retention and world‑class hydration discipline.”
Celtic sources say the club believes McCall could bring “vital experience, leadership, and a deep understanding of bakery‑based nutrition” to the squad. One insider added that the club had been tracking him for months but were waiting for “a definitive, pie‑based data point.”
The transfer was first announced — naturally — by McCall himself during his nightly call to Superscoreboard. Host Gordon Duncan reportedly needed several minutes to confirm it wasn’t a prank, a misunderstanding, or a medical emergency.
McCall, a former member of the Maryhill Orange Lodge; where he was a renowned and respected flute player and competent at banging a big orange drum every 12th of July, is expected to undergo a medical early next week’ although doctors have already warned Celtic that the procedure may require “specialist pastry‑related imaging equipment and at least five full days to let the alcohol leave his body. In other words, he’ll be fit to face bitter rivals – the mighty Glasgow Rangers – in the next Old Firm game.
