NEVER HERE KEIR: Starmer ‘Considering Britain Visit Later This Year’

Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer is reportedly “open in principle” to popping back to Britain some time before December, multiple sources have told The Dafty.

The bombshell claim comes as the PM was yesterday pictured in Singapore teaching the Sultan how to do the Macarena at a £400-a-head “Global Friendship Gala”, having flown straight from a three-day cheese-and-wine summit in Lisbon and a quick detour to Ottawa to judge a “Best Beard in the Commonwealth” competition.

According to a senior aide travelling in Starmer’s 17-strong entourage (all wearing matching “Keir’s World Tour 2026” lanyards), the PM is “cautiously excited” about the prospect of a UK trip. “He’s heard great things about the place,” the aide whispered while boarding yet another business-class flight. “Apparently the weather’s mental and they do a cracking full English. He’s pencilled it in between the G7 in Hawaii and the UN’s emergency summit on Important Vibes in the Maldives.”

Westminster is in meltdown. One Labour MP was seen sprinting down Whitehall screaming “HE’S COMING HOME!” before realising he’d left his passport in a hotel in Reykjavik. Opposition benches have already booked prime spots on the Commons terrace for what they’re calling “the rarest of sightings – a sitting PM in his own country.”

Downing Street sources insist the visit is “not confirmed” but stress that Starmer remains “deeply committed to Britain… from a safe distance of at least 3,000 miles.”

Meanwhile, the man himself was last night spotted in a Tokyo karaoke bar belting out “I Will Survive” while wearing a kimono and a fixed grin. He is understood to have told fellow revellers: “Best not to mention the cost-of-living crisis, lads – I’m on holiday.”

Never Here Keir, folks. Never Here Keir.