Scottish Politicians Celebrate International Women’s Day by Announcing ‘Biology Counts’

First Minister John Swinney marked International Women’s Day by unveiling a giant banner outside Holyrood reading “Celebratin Wummin – Nae Definitions Needed” while SNP ministers posed for selfies in rainbow sashes.

In a George Square speech, Swinney declared: “We honour wummin – the folk wi empowering energy, wummin’s intuition, and… whatever else feels right. Nae chromosomes required, hen.”

The event featured a keynote by trans activist Maggie Chapman, who accepted a “True Scottish Lass” trophy on behalf of “all wummin, including the ones wi beards and baws.” Attendees were gifted mugs saying: “Wummin: Adult Human… Ach, Dinnae Ask.”

Labour MSPs boycotted and held a rival online huddle titled “Inclusion For Everyone Wi Feelings.” Anas Sarwar tweeted: “Today we celebrate wummin… and folk who are wummin inside… and allies… basically the whole country.” Asked to define woman, he chuckled for 38 seconds then blamed Westminster.

SNP hardliners demanded trans wummin be front and centre, one bearded MSP insisting: “Ah’m mair wumman than half the lassies here – ah identify fiercer.”

Swinney replied on X: “Some folk raging cos real biology’s back in fashion. Pure radge!”

A tablet-shaped cake (XX chromosomes etched in icing) was sliced with a sgian-dubh. Confetti read: “Chromosomes Count, Pal.”

Critics branded it peak performative mince; supporters called it pure Scottish progress. Either way, naebody could agree what they were toasting – except that somebody, somewhere, was definitely ragin.