UK Government to Introduce New Fart Tax
In a bold move to tackle the nation’s mounting environmental and fiscal woes, the UK Government has announced the introduction of a pioneering Fart Tax, set to come into force next April. Britain’s Finance Minister described the levy as “a fair, equitable, and refreshingly transparent way to capture emissions at the source.”
Under the new scheme, every adult over 18 will be required to register their posterior emissions via a mandatory “Bottom App” linked to HMRC. Citizens will self-report daily flatulence totals, with a sliding scale of charges: a gentle “puff” at 2p, a standard “toot” at 5p, and anything classified as a “window-rattler” or “silent-but-deadly” hitting a hefty 50p per blast. Vegans and vegetarians will receive a 20% discount, while those consuming more than three pints of lager per session face a “premium risk surcharge.”
The policy, dubbed “Operation Cheeky Levy” by insiders, aims to raise £4.7 billion annually—enough to fund free dental checks for sheep farmers in the Outer Hebrides. Proceeds will reportedly go towards “green cushions” and nationwide installation of odour-neutralising public loos equipped with carbon-capture filters.
Critics have been quick to vent their displeasure. Shadow Chancellor called it “the most odorous assault on working people since the Poll Tax,” while the British Flatulence Appreciation Society (BFAS) staged a silent protest outside Downing Street, holding banners reading “Taxation Without Ventilation Is Tyranny.”
Environmental campaigners, however, hailed the move. Greta Thundergas tweeted: “Finally, someone is holding big bottoms accountable.”
Prime Minister Sir Kier Starmer defended the tax in Parliament: “In these straitened times, every little helps. Besides, if we don’t tax farts, how else will we pay for the potholes they’ve helped create?”
The Dafty can exclusively reveal that trials in Scotland—where haggis consumption peaks—have already generated enough revenue to buy every citizen a complimentary whoopee cushion.
