Local Man Hospitalised After Being Force-Fed Kale by Militant Vegans
In a shocking incident that has left the nation both horrified and quietly sniggering into their bacon butties, 42-year-old accountant Derek McTavish was rushed to the Royal Infirmary yesterday suffering from severe emotional trauma and a mild case of kale-induced asphyxiation.
The nightmare unfolded at what was supposed to be a relaxed family barbecue. Derek, a proud carnivore who once famously declared that “bacon is the only vegetable worth eating,” arrived expecting sausages, burgers, and zero moral lectures. Instead, his cousin Fiona – freshly converted to veganism and sporting a T-shirt that read “My Body Is a Temple, Yours Is a Graveyard” – turned up with three comrades from her militant “Plant Power Posse” group chat.
Within minutes, the vegans had staged a coup on the grill. They confiscated Derek’s prized lamb chops, declaring them “products of oppression,” and replaced them with a towering pile of grilled aubergines and tofu skewers that one guest described as “tasting like wet cardboard had an identity crisis.”
When Derek politely asked if he could at least have a single sausage, the group formed a tight circle around him in what police would later call “a highly choreographed kale intervention.” Led by a woman who introduced herself only as “Luna Sage,” they began force-feeding him raw kale while chanting, “Feel the chlorophyll! Feel the compassion!”
Derek managed to break free by pretending to have a sudden epiphany about lentils, only to be pursued down the street by the posse waving placards that read “You Can’t Run from the Truth” and “Dairy Is Scary.”
He was treated for “acute sanctimony poisoning” and released with a prescription for steak and a stern warning to avoid salad bars for the foreseeable future.
The Plant Power Posse released a statement: “We were merely accelerating his journey to enlightenment. If he can’t handle a little tough love, that’s his karma.”
From his hospital bed, Derek had one simple plea: “Just let me eat my bacon in peace, for the love of all that is holy and deep-fried.”
