Valentine’s Cards Now Come With Brutal Scottish Honesty

Newton Mearns, Scotland – Local rom-com casualty Hamish McFumble has launched “Honest Hearts,” a range of Valentine’s cards for men too unlucky—or too honest—to pretend.

Top seller: “Happy Valentine’s, you ugly bastard.” Inside: “Still here though, eh? Miracle.”

Others include:

“Roses are red, violets are blue, you’re a right gremlin, but I’m still into you.”

“To my favourite eyesore: dinnae change.”

“Another year of lowering my standards. Cheers.”

Hamish, 38, says the idea struck after yet another date ended in flames—literally, when he set a napkin alight trying to light candles for Isla from Giffnock.

“She left with the fireman,” he recalls. “Said he had better patter. So I thought: why lie on cards? Women deserve the truth.”

Sales are surprisingly strong among Newton Mearns lads who’ve given up on charm. One buyer, Tam, 42, explains: “My missus laughed so hard she forgot I forgot the actual present. Best result in years.”

Critics call it “misogynistic.” Hamish shrugs. “It’s affectionate. Ugly bastard is basically ‘I love you’ in Weegie.”

He’s already planning Mother’s Day: “Happy Mother’s Day, ya auld bag.” Pre-orders open.