Katie Price Gets Engaged for the 965th Time

In a plot twist that shocked absolutely no one except perhaps her accountant, Katie Price has announced her ninth engagement, mere nanoseconds after ditching her eighth fiancé. Sources close to the glamour model (or as we call her, the Human Revolving Door of Romance) confirm she’s now betrothed to a mystery man who ticks all her boxes: a porridge-stirring enthusiast, cosmetic surgery superfan, and connoisseur of scraggy cats.

“Darling, he’s perfect,” Katie gushed from her latest Botox session. “He stirs porridge like a pro – clockwise for luck, counterclockwise for drama. And get this: he’s got more filler than my lips! We bonded over scalpels and stray felines. My last bloke couldn’t handle my nine lives, but this one’s all in.”

The new beau, dubbed “Stirring Steve” by tabloid insiders, reportedly met Katie at a cosmetic clinic where he was getting his ninth chin lift. “I love a woman who’s had more work done than a motorway,” he allegedly whispered, while adopting yet another mangy moggy from the streets. Pals say his hobbies include whisking oats into oblivion and debating the merits of tummy tucks over tea.

Critics are calling it “Price’s Perpetual Proposal Parade,” with bookies offering odds on whether this ring lasts longer than her fake tan. “She’s collecting fiancés like Pokémon,” sniped one ex. But Katie’s undeterred: “Ninth time lucky! Or tenth. Who’s counting?”

As wedding bells toll (again), The Dafty wonders: Will Stirring Steve survive the honeymoon, or end up as cat food? Stay tuned for the inevitable breakup exclusive.