Ryanair Launches ‘Breath Tax’ on Passengers Who Exhale Too Much

In a bold move to “maximise shareholder joy and minimise passenger oxygen waste”, Ryanair has introduced its most innovative fee yet: the Breath Tax.

Effective immediately on all flights, passengers will be charged €4.99 per breath taken during the boarding process, with an additional €2.50 surcharge for “excessive sighing” and €7.99 for “audible panic breathing” during turbulence.

CEO Michael O’Leary explained the policy at a press conference held inside a Ryanair toilet cubicle (extra legroom upgrade required). “We’ve calculated that the average human exhales approximately 12 litres of air per minute. That’s 720 litres per hour. At current rates, that’s basically stealing from our shareholders. We’re simply asking passengers to pay their fair share for the privilege of breathing our premium recycled cabin air.”

To help customers comply, Ryanair has installed “Breath Meters” at every seat – small plastic bags that inflate with each exhalation. Passengers who exceed their allotted 400 breaths per flight will receive an in-flight invoice via the Ryanair app, payable immediately or face a €150 “Delayed Payment Surcharge” and being removed from the aircraft mid-flight (parachute not included).

Frequent flyers can avoid the tax by purchasing the new Breath-Free™ Subscription for just €99.99 per month, which includes unlimited shallow breathing, one free cough per flight, and priority disembarkation (you still have to walk).

One passenger, who wished to remain nameless after being fined €47.50 for “heavy nose breathing”, told The Dafty: “I thought the €12 toilet fee was bad. Now I can’t even breathe without going into administration.”

Ryanair insists the Breath Tax will fund important initiatives, such as painting more of the plane yellow and installing extra seats in the overhead lockers.