Glasgow Roadworks to last Until 2085, Council Says

In a revelation that stunned absolutely no one with a driving licence, Glasgow City Council has confirmed that the city’s roadworks are now scheduled for completion in the year 2085—a date chosen, according to insiders, because “it sounded optimistic without being ridiculous.”

The announcement came during a press briefing held inside a maze of cones so dense that several journalists are still missing. A council spokesperson, speaking through a megaphone and mild despair, explained: “We’ve decided to take a long‑term, generational approach. These roadworks aren’t just for us—they’re for our grandchildren, and their grandchildren, and whoever’s still stuck on the M8 by then.”

A City Transformed (Mostly Into Holes)

Residents across Glasgow have reported new trenches appearing overnight, often in places where no road previously existed. One Partick local claims a pothole outside his flat has developed its own microclimate and is now considered a Site of Special Scientific Interest.

Experts believe the roadworks have reached a stage of “self‑awareness,” with cones migrating in packs and diversion signs multiplying like wet gremlins.

How to Avoid Roadworks (If You Believe in Miracles)

1. Travel Only Between 2:11am and 3:04am

The sacred window when even the cones can’t be bothered.

2. Disguise Yourself as a Bus

Write “NOT IN SERVICE” across your forehead and glide through chaos with divine authority.

3. Relocate to an Island With No Roads

Or no people. Or no will to live.

4. Accept Your Destiny

Many Glaswegians report enlightenment after surrendering to the eternal cycle of temporary traffic lights.

The Road Ahead

Council officials insist the 2085 target is “ambitious but achievable,” assuming no delays caused by weather, funding, labour shortages, or the continued existence of time.

The Dafty will provide updates as soon as we escape the diversion currently circling us back to where we started.