TOP TEN Reasons You’re still Fat

(despite declaring your New Year’s Resolution with the confidence of a man who once did PE in 2004)

10. You treat “Meal Prep” as “Buying 24 multipacks of crisps because they were on offer.”

Technically you did prepare meals. They’re just all beige and rustle loudly.

9. Your gym membership is basically a charitable donation.

You haven’t been since January 3rd, but you feel spiritually connected to the treadmill you’ve never touched.

8. You believe calories don’t count if you eat them standing up.

Or walking. Or after midnight. Or if someone else paid. Or if it’s a “wee bite.”

7. You keep saying “I’ll start Monday,” but you’ve not specified which Monday.

The universe is waiting. Your metabolism is not.

6. You think protein shakes cancel out the four sausage rolls you inhaled like a Dyson.

They do not. Science has checked.

5. You treat “Dry January” as “Dry except for weekends, birthdays, stressful days, and days ending in Y.”

Your liver has filed a formal complaint.

4. You bought running shoes but only wear them to nip to the shop for Irn-Bru.

They’ve travelled a total of 0.4 miles and most of that was in the car.

3. You believe “portion control” means eating directly from the pot so you don’t dirty a plate.

Genius, but also… no.

2. You reward every minor achievement with a takeaway.

“Did the dishes? Chinese.

Answered an email? Pizza.

Breathed? Chippy.”

1. You made a New Year’s Resolution — but forgot to tell your stomach.

Your willpower is strong. Your appetite is stronger. Your fridge is terrified.