The Dafty TV Guide
Tonight’s Programmes — Guaranteed 94% Pile of Pish
6:00pm — The Shawshank Redecoration
Drama / DIY / Mild existential sanding
Andy tunnels out of prison only to discover the warden has converted his escape route into a tasteful wet‑wall showroom. Features a tense argument about whether “eggshell white” is actually just grey pretending to be fancy.
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7:30pm — Jurassic Park: The Council Edition
Action / Housing Crisis / Roaring
Dinosaurs escape their enclosures but cannot be rehoused until they complete a 42‑page form. A velociraptor is told his “proof of address” is unacceptable because it’s written in claw marks.
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9:00pm — Titanic 2: Still No Room on the Door
Romance / Frostbite / Petty Behaviour
Jack returns as a soggy ghost demanding Rose admit she could’ve shuffled over an inch. Rose insists the door is “emotional support furniture” and cannot be shared. Contains scenes of passive‑aggressive floating.
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10:45pm — The Bourne Identity Theft
Thriller / Cybercrime / On‑Hold Music
Jason Bourne wakes up with no memory and £700 missing after clicking a link promising “FREE AIRPODS FOR HEROES.” The final showdown takes place in a call centre queue where the hold music is legally classified as torture.
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12:15am — Finding Nemo… in Largs
Adventure / Marine Life / Seagull Aggression
Nemo is swept off course and ends up at the Largs seafront. He must battle seagulls, chip thieves, and a man who insists he once saw a dolphin in the Clyde “but nobody believes me.”
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1:50am — The Matrix: Reboot Required
Sci‑Fi / IT Support / Existential Lag
Neo discovers reality is running on Windows XP. The Oracle tells him to “turn it off and on again.” Agent Smith freezes mid‑fight due to a forced update.
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3:20am — Back to the Future IV: The Bus Was Early
Time Travel / Public Transport / Despair
Marty travels across timelines trying to catch the Number 75, only to discover it leaves early in every universe. Doc Brown blames “temporal traffic” and a driver who “just fancied finishing his shift.”
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4:40am — The Lion King: Council Tax Arrears
Drama / Wildlife / Administrative Shame
Simba returns to Pride Rock to find Scar hasn’t paid council tax in 14 years. Rafiki becomes a debt advisor. The hyenas insist they’re “just lodgers.”
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5:55am — The Fast & The Furious: MOT Failure
Action / Cars / Unexpected Bills
Dom Toretto’s family faces their greatest enemy yet: a mechanic who fails their car for “vibes.” The final race is postponed because someone forgot their insurance documents.
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7:00am — Home Alone 6: Kevin vs. Smart Meters
Comedy / Energy Crisis / Booby Traps
Kevin booby‑traps the house, but the burglars leave voluntarily after seeing the smart meter hit £14.20 for boiling a kettle. Kevin survives on cold toast and spite.
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Dafty Disclaimer:
All programme times are approximate. All films are real-ish. Any resemblance to actual events is purely because life is daft. Don’t forget to not pay your TV license.
