The Dafty’s Official TOP TEN Things To Do at a Protest
10. Bring a sign so confusing it causes a small existential crisis
“DOWN WITH UP!”
“STOP THE THING!”
“NO MORE OF WHATEVER THIS IS!”
If three people stop to ask what you mean, you’ve already won.
9. Start a chant that sounds powerful but means absolutely nothing
“HEY HEY! HO HO!
THE THING WE HATE HAS GOT TO GO!”
(Do not specify the thing. Mystery builds unity.)
8. Appoint yourself “Unofficial Protest Timekeeper”
Every ten minutes, loudly announce:
“WE’RE MAKING GREAT TIME, EVERYONE!”
No one knows what the schedule is, but morale skyrockets.
7. Offer motivational speeches to random pigeons
They didn’t ask for this.
They don’t want this.
But they need this.
6. Start a rumour that free snacks are being handed out “over there”
Watch as the crowd migrates like a confused but hopeful herd.
5. Hold a sign that simply says “I’M WITH THEM”
Point in a different direction every five minutes.
Create chaos.
Become a legend.
4. Bring a megaphone but only use it to compliment people
“YOU’RE DOING AMAZING, SWEETHEART!”
“GREAT BANNER ENERGY!”
“LOVE YOUR COMMITMENT TO CIVIC PARTICIPATION!”
3. Pretend to be a lost tourist who accidentally joined the protest
Ask people for directions to the nearest museum while chanting along politely.
2. Start a breakaway protest protesting the original protest
Your cause
“THE PROTEST IS TOO PROTESTY.”
Your slogan
“MODERATE THE MODERATES!”
1. Appoint yourself “Protest DJ” and play only songs with extremely literal titles
“Don’t Stand So Close to Me”
“Should I Stay or Should I Go”
“Walk This Way”
The crowd will hate it.
The crowd will love it.
The crowd will be confused.
Perfect.
