Century-Long Roadworks Confirmed As Council Unveils “VISIONARY DELAY STRATEGY”

Residents of the A739 corridor have been advised to “remain calm, patient, and ideally immortal” after the council officially confirmed that the ongoing roadworks—now entering their 17th consecutive year—are expected to continue “well into the next century, barring unforeseen efficiency.”

At a press briefing held inside a temporary cabin that has been “temporary” since 2009, a council spokesperson proudly unveiled the new Visionary Delay Strategy, a pioneering infrastructure philosophy that embraces “permanent improvement through never actually finishing anything.”

“We’re excited to lead the world in generational roadworks,” the spokesperson said, standing beside a ceremonial traffic cone believed to be one of the originals from Phase One. “Most councils think in terms of months or years. We think in eras. Civilisations. Geological epochs.”

Local residents have mixed feelings. Some expressed frustration, while others have simply adapted. One man, who began queuing at temporary lights in 2011, has since married, raised two children, and now operates a small barbershop from the driver’s seat of his idling Ford Focus.

Archaeologists have also taken interest, declaring the site “a living timeline of human despair,” with layers of cones, barriers, and faded diversion signs forming what experts call “the world’s first sedimentary traffic system.”

The council insists progress is being made. Phase 14B—“Reassessing the Assessment of the Preliminary Assessment”—is due to begin shortly, pending the completion of a feasibility study into whether the feasibility study is feasible.

A final completion date has been tentatively scheduled for 2124, though officials warn this may be pushed back if weather occurs.

In the meantime, motorists are encouraged to follow the diversion signs, which currently lead in a perfect loop back to where they started—an arrangement the council describes as “symbolic of the journey we’re all on.”