Romans Revived to Rescue Britain’s Battered Roads

LONDON – In a bold bid to battle the bottomless abyss of Britain’s potholes, Prime Minister Keir Starmer has unveiled Operation “Via Appia Redux”: resurrecting the Roman Empire to fix the nation’s crumbling carriageways. “We’ve tried tarmac, we’ve tried taxes – now it’s time for togas,” Starmer declared at a press conference, flanked by a suspiciously authentic-looking Caesar hologram.

Sources close to No. 10 reveal that top boffins at Oxford’s Necromancy Lab exhumed Emperor Hadrian himself, using a cocktail of ancient spells and EU funding leftovers. “Ave, citizens! Your roads are rubbish,” boomed the revived ruler upon awakening, promptly ordering legions of spectral centurions to march on Manchester’s most monstrous craters.

The plan? Straight-as-an-arrow Roman engineering to replace the UK’s patchwork of peril. “No more dodging divots like a chariot slalom,” promised Legate Lucius Fixit, as his troops poured molten lava – sorry, premium asphalt – into a gaping hole on the M25. Locals cheered as potholes vanished faster than Boris Johnson’s promises, with one driver exclaiming, “Finally, a road that doesn’t feel like riding a bucking bronco!”

But not everyone’s hailing Caesar. Environmentalists decry the “imperialist carbon footprint” from catapults hurling gravel, while Scottish nationalists demand their own Pictish pothole posse. “Why Romans? We have haggis holes up here!” SNP leader John Swinney huffed.

Critics question the cost: £50 billion in gold sesterces, plus gladiatorial games to boost morale. “It’s either this or more cones,” shrugged Transport Secretary Louise Haigh. As centurions conquer Coventry’s chasms, one thing’s clear: Britain’s roads are getting a classical makeover. All hail the pothole purge – or face the lions!