Pest Control Race to Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor’s Home After Rodents Put in Complaint
LONDON – In an unprecedented escalation of tenant rights, a coalition of rats, mice, and one particularly indignant silverfish has lodged an official complaint against their landlord at Royal Lodge, Windsor, prompting a frantic dawn raid by three rival pest-control firms.
The vermin, who have sub-let the historic property’s extensive crawl spaces and wine cellars for decades rent-free, claim “unacceptable living conditions” following what they describe as “repeated, shameless human occupancy” by Prince Andrew. A handwritten note – smuggled out in a Sainsbury’s baguette wrapper – listed grievances including “persistent loud sighing,” “sudden deployment of industrial-strength air freshener,” and “the inexplicable arrival of several dozen pizza boxes containing zero pizza.”
“We’ve put up with the occasional corgi dropping by, but this is intolerable,” read the complaint, allegedly drafted on the back of an old Pizza Express menu. “The gentleman insists on staying in our home while contributing nothing to the structural maintenance or indeed to the cheese budget.”
By 7 a.m., vans from Vermin Vanquishers Ltd, Bug Busters Elite, and the aggressively branded “No Survivors Pest Solutions” were jockeying for position outside the gates. Drivers traded insults while brandishing industrial vacuums and suspiciously large glue traps.
A spokesperson for No Survivors – wearing full hazmat gear and mirrored sunglasses – told The Dafty: “We understand the rodents’ position. Frankly, we’d evict the human too. But business is business, and we’ve got a promotional offer: first duke free.”
Neighbours report hearing high-pitched chanting (“Pay your rent or face cement!”) emanating from the property’s foundations. Meanwhile, Prince Andrew’s office issued a brief statement: “His Royal Highness is aware of the matter and is consulting his legal team, his former legal team, and anyone else still willing to answer his calls.”
Local rodent rights campaigner Squeakula O’Malley called the situation “a watershed moment for inter-species housing justice.” She added: “If the Duke won’t leave voluntarily, perhaps the four-legged tenants should start charging him back-rent. With interest.”
