Benefits Cheat Declares Himself ‘Model Citizen’ After Mastering the Art of Doing Sweet FA

In what fraud investigators are calling “the most Scottish defence since someone blamed the weather for a three-year sick note”, career claimant Gary “Nae Luck” McSprunt has sensationally argued that his decade-long benefits bonanza is simply him “respecting the DWP’s own low opinion of me”.

The 42-year-old, whose last recorded employment was “standing outside B&M for eleven minutes in 2014”, faces 14 counts of creative form-filling after claiming every available handout while simultaneously running a cash-in-hand empire that includes ghosting Amazon Flex shifts, “consulting” for his mate’s vape shop, and flogging single-use barbecues from the boot of a Vauxhall Corsa that hasn’t moved since Boris was PM.

When presented with 47 different addresses he’s given over the years—all within a 400-yard radius—McSprunt shrugged: “I’m supporting the local economy. Every time I move two doors down, someone gets to fill in a change-of-circs form. That’s job creation, innit?”

His pièce de résistance came when he brandished a PIP award letter granting him “enhanced mobility” because “anxiety prevents walking more than 20 metres without a Greggs sausage roll”. The same document was then used to claim he was housebound. “See?” he beamed. “I’m multi-tasking disability. Very efficient. The government should give me a bonus for reducing admin costs.”

DWP sources say they’re now considering reclassifying “utter cheek” as a protected characteristic. McSprunt, meanwhile, has lodged a fresh claim for the new “Cost-of-Living-Avoidance Allowance” and is crowdfunding his legal fees via a GoFundMe titled “Help Gary Stay Exactly Where He Is”.