Labour to Ban Schoolchildren From Social Media – So They Can Enjoy Traditional Face-to-Face Bullying Instead
In a groundbreaking move to protect the nation’s children from the perils of likes, shares, and existential dread, the Labour government has announced plans to ban anyone under 16 from social media entirely.
Prime Minister Keir Starmer, looking unusually stern while clutching a flip phone from 2007, declared: “Our young people deserve to experience childhood the old-fashioned way – with bullying in person, awkward eye contact, and the thrill of waiting three days for a letter that never comes.”
The policy, inspired by Australia’s successful “Make Kids Bored Again” initiative, will require tech giants to implement ironclad age verification. This means every TikTok user will soon face a mandatory retinal scan, passport check, and a stern lecture from their nan about “what we did before filters.” Failure to comply? Platforms face fines so massive they’ll have to sell off Elon Musk’s remaining hair plugs.
Experts hail the ban as revolutionary. “Children will finally have time to develop real skills,” gushed one government advisor, “like staring out windows, arguing with siblings over who gets the last biscuit, and perfecting the art of the dramatic sigh.” Parents, meanwhile, are thrilled at the prospect of reclaiming their phones – though many fear the sudden influx of teenagers demanding board games and actual conversation.
Critics, including a coalition of 14-year-olds calling themselves “The Doomscroll Resistance,” have vowed to fight back. “This is tyranny!” tweeted one defiant teen from a burner account. “How are we supposed to know what to wear without 47 outfit polls?” Another added: “If I can’t post thirst traps, how will I ever achieve world peace?”
Labour insists the ban is about mental health, not control. “We’re giving kids back their brains,” Starmer explained, before quietly logging off X to avoid seeing the backlash. The consultation closes in summer – just in time for parents to discover their offspring have invented a new app called “Secret Teen Forum” that runs on carrier pigeons.
