Nation’s Work‑From‑Home Workforce Officially Forgets How Tall Humans Are
In a groundbreaking study released this morning, researchers at the Institute for Modern Laziness confirmed what many suspected: the nation’s work‑from‑home population has completely lost all concept of human height.
The report, compiled after a three‑year investigation conducted entirely over Zoom, found that 78% of remote workers now believe the average adult is “somewhere between 14 inches and 11 feet tall,” depending on webcam angle, lighting, and whether the person remembered to unmute.
Lead researcher Dr. Fiona McClatchy described the findings as “deeply concerning, but also quite funny if you’re not responsible for society.”
According to the study, prolonged exposure to laptop cameras has warped the nation’s spatial awareness. One participant, a 42‑year‑old project manager, admitted he recently met a colleague in person and instinctively tried to resize her by pinching the air in front of her face.
Another respondent confessed she hadn’t seen a full human body since March 2020 and assumed everyone simply ended at the sternum. “I thought legs were optional now,” she said. “Like read receipts.”
The economic impact is already being felt. Furniture retailers report a surge in returns after customers realised dining chairs are not, in fact, the correct height for eight‑hour workdays. Meanwhile, physiotherapists warn of a new condition known as “Laptop Spine,” a posture so curved it resembles a question mark apologising for existing.
Government officials have urged calm, reminding citizens that “humans remain roughly the same size as before,” though they admitted this was based on outdated pre‑pandemic data.
The Institute recommends a radical solution: going outside and looking at another person from more than two feet away. Early trials show promising results, though several participants panicked upon discovering that colleagues possess legs, shoes, and a third dimension.
