Primark Announces Bold Expansion to Mars After Earth Runs Out of Hanger Space

In a move industry analysts are calling “either visionary or clinically unhinged,” Primark has confirmed plans to relocate its next megastore to Mars after officially running out of physical space on Earth to cram in more discounted jeggings.

The announcement came during a tense press conference in Birmingham, where executives admitted that every square inch of the planet — including roundabouts, disused car parks, and the entire county of Rutland — had already been earmarked for future Primark branches. “We tried building upwards,” said one spokesperson, “but the skyscraper collapsed under the weight of 40 million £3 T‑shirts. At this point, Mars is the only logical next step.”

The new Martian flagship, expected to span roughly the size of Wales (the standard unit of British measurement), will offer all the essentials: breathable space‑leggings, meteor‑resistant slippers, and a 12‑mile queue for the changing rooms. Early concept art also suggests a dedicated crater for customers to fling unwanted items into instead of returning them to the rack.

NASA has expressed mild concern about the plan, warning that the arrival of Primark could destabilise the delicate Martian environment. “We’ve spent decades studying the planet,” said one scientist. “We never anticipated the first human settlement would be a bargain bin.”

Primark, however, remains optimistic. “If we can sell flip‑flops in December, we can colonise Mars,” the company declared, unveiling a promotional slogan: “Primark: Low Prices, Low Gravity.”

Construction is expected to begin as soon as engineers figure out how to assemble flat‑pack shelving in a vacuum.