10. Bring a sign so confusing it causes a small existential crisis “DOWN WITH UP!” “STOP THE THING!” “NO MORE OF WHATEVER THIS IS!” If three people stop to ask what you mean, you’ve already won. 9. Start a chant that sounds powerful but means absolutely nothing “HEY HEY! HO HO! THE THING WE HATE […]
Tonight’s Programmes — Guaranteed 94% Pile of Pish 6:00pm — The Shawshank Redecoration Drama / DIY / Mild existential sanding Andy tunnels out of prison only to discover the warden has converted his escape route into a tasteful wet‑wall showroom. Features a tense argument about whether “eggshell white” is actually just grey pretending to be […]
(despite declaring your New Year’s Resolution with the confidence of a man who once did PE in 2004) 10. You treat “Meal Prep” as “Buying 24 multipacks of crisps because they were on offer.” Technically you did prepare meals. They’re just all beige and rustle loudly. 9. Your gym membership is basically a charitable donation. […]
Medical staff at St. Cuthbert’s Hospital are today “reviewing their life choices” after a groundbreaking procedure restored the hearing of 58‑year‑old Paisley man, Douglas McLintock — only for him to become visibly distraught upon hearing his wife’s voice for the first time in over three decades.McLintock, who lost his hearing in a tragic 1993 incident […]
In a development experts are calling “deeply predictable,” electric car owners across the UK have formed the nation’s first support group for drivers whose vehicles have become too self-righteous.The group, EV-Anonymous, meets weekly in a community hall that smells faintly of oat milk and moral superiority. Members gather in a circle of collapsible chairs, sharing […]
In a bold move to “enhance the passenger experience without enhancing the ticket price,” Ryanair has announced a new range of in‑flight scratchcard prizes, headlined by the airline’s most valuable reward to date: the right not to sit beside a drunken lout for the duration of the flight.The announcement was made shortly after a flight […]
North Korea has stunned the international community once again, this time by unveiling its first-ever Greggs — a move state media is calling “a decisive victory over Western pastry imperialism.”The bakery, located just outside Pyongyang’s Revolutionary Roundabout, opened to scenes of wild enthusiasm as citizens queued for hours to sample what officials described as “the […]
In a stunning display of administrative excellence, the Reform Party has reportedly rebranded itself as “Reform‑ish”, after a junior staffer misheard a strategy meeting and updated all party materials accordingly.The incident began when senior figures gathered to discuss “being more flexible with the messaging.” According to insiders, the phrase “reform… ish” was muttered during a […]
In a development that has left international observers blinking like confused owls, thousands of British citizens have reportedly begun seeking asylum in North Korea, claiming they “just need a break from all the dictatorship back home.”The movement began quietly last month when 42-year-old accountant Martin Pritchard attempted to defect by paddling a kayak from Blackpool […]
In a move described as “either visionary or a cry for help,” NHS officials have announced that hospital corridors across the UK will soon be fitted with wall‑mounted televisions, arcade machines, and—where funding allows—a man in a Peppa Pig costume to keep spirits high during famously glacial waiting times.The initiative, titled Operation Please Stop Complaining, […]
