In a move industry analysts are calling “either visionary or clinically unhinged,” Primark has confirmed plans to relocate its next megastore to Mars after officially running out of physical space on Earth to cram in more discounted jeggings.The announcement came during a tense press conference in Birmingham, where executives admitted that every square inch of […]
In a revelation that has shocked absolutely no one who owns a YouTube account, NASA officials have finally confessed that the 1969 moon landing was, in fact, filmed behind a disused carpet warehouse in Glasgow’s East End. The admission came after archivists discovered a misplaced invoice labelled “One Giant Backdrop – Do Not Bin.”According to […]
Residents of the A739 corridor have been advised to “remain calm, patient, and ideally immortal” after the council officially confirmed that the ongoing roadworks—now entering their 17th consecutive year—are expected to continue “well into the next century, barring unforeseen efficiency.”At a press briefing held inside a temporary cabin that has been “temporary” since 2009, a […]
The UK Government has performed such a violent U‑turn on its Digital ID plans that several ministers reportedly experienced mild whiplash and one junior aide is still spinning like a dropped fidget spinner.The Digital ID scheme — once hailed as “the future of secure identity” — has now been downgraded to “a wee idea we […]
In a move industry analysts are calling “bold, inevitable, and deeply exhausting,” Facebook has announced the launch of its newest feature: the Virtue Signal Button, a shimmering icon shaped like a halo perched atop a smug little thumbs‑up.The button, which glows brighter the more morally superior the user feels, is designed to help people express […]
In a surprise livestream from a balcony Wi‑Fi extender installed “for pastoral reasons,” the Pope has announced that Purgatory — the long‑standing spiritual waiting room for the morally middling — has officially been migrated to a cloud‑based online portal.The new system, titled Purgatory™ Beta, promises “reduced queue times, improved transparency, and a modern user interface […]
In a move economists are describing as “bold, innovative, and possibly illegal in seventeen jurisdictions,” several major UK banks have announced a new financial product aimed at stabilising the economy: 30‑year fixed‑rate mortgages for children aged five and under.The scheme, branded My First Mortgage™, promises to “empower the nation’s youth with the crushing financial responsibility […]
In a move industry experts are calling “brave”, “innovative”, and “deeply petty”, Netflix has unveiled its latest strategy to stop customers sharing their login details with friends, family, ex-partners, neighbours, and that one guy from five-a-side who once said “sound mate” and has been on your account ever since.The streaming giant announced the plan during […]
In an unprecedented turn of events that experts are already calling “a catastrophic administrative malfunction,” the UK Government today issued a press release claiming it had successfully completed every promise it has ever made.The statement, which appeared briefly on the government website before being replaced by a 404 error and a picture of a confused […]
In a bold move that industry analysts are calling “either visionary or a logistical cry for help,” Barbie’s parent company has announced its most ambitious initiative yet: Barbie for Absolutely Everyone, a product line so inclusive it threatens to collapse under the weight of its own good intentions. At a press conference held in a […]
