In a move that has nutritionists openly weeping into their kale smoothies, McDonald’s today unveiled the AI-Obese system — a terrifyingly efficient artificial intelligence designed to make customers fatter, happier, and more regretful in record time. The technology, which the company describes as “your personal enabler with a headset,” will debut in 8,000 new restaurants […]
Concern is mounting for 34-year-old local woman Fiona McScroll, who has reportedly been trapped inside her own TikTok For You Page for the past 47 hours.Friends and family say Fiona was last seen in the real world on Sunday evening, when she innocently opened the app to “just watch one quick video about organising sock […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a bombshell press conference that left reporters scrambling for their fallout shelters, former President Donald Trump declared his undying love for Greenland – right before outlining his foolproof plan to wipe it off the map without lifting a finger aggressively.”I love Greenland. Tremendous island. Biggest one, folks – bigger than Texas, […]
In the most dramatic finger-twitch since the Great Glue Incident of 2019, the global Subbuteo community has declared war on Donald Trump – by threatening to flick their tiny plastic players right off the table and boycott the 2026 Subbuteo World Cup.The crisis? Trump’s latest Truth Social post: “Greenland is basically an ice cube we […]
Sir Lenny Henry, the beloved British comedy legend and self-proclaimed “cultural sensitivity warrior,” has sparked outrage across Scotland after a whirlwind visit to sample the nation’s most sacred breakfast dish.The 67-year-old Dudley native, fresh from a triumphant stand-up tour that saw him declare porridge “the original cultural appropriation,” arrived in Glasgow armed with a spoon […]
In a bold move to “maximise shareholder joy and minimise passenger oxygen waste”, Ryanair has introduced its most innovative fee yet: the Breath Tax.Effective immediately on all flights, passengers will be charged €4.99 per breath taken during the boarding process, with an additional €2.50 surcharge for “excessive sighing” and €7.99 for “audible panic breathing” during […]
In a household scandal that has left the local community clutching their feather dusters, furious wife Margaret Docherty has declared war on her husband Hamish after he secretly flogged her beloved Henry Hoover on eBay.The drama unfolded last weekend when Hamish, a self-styled “decluttering guru” who once tried to sell the family Christmas tree in […]
Springburn, Glasgow – In what is being dubbed “the wettest windfall in Scottish history”, a spectacular burst water main has today transformed the long-suffering Springburn housing estate into an accidental beneficiary of millions of pounds worth of improvements – courtesy of Glasgow’s creaking Victorian pipes.The chaos erupted at 6:17 a.m. when a 100-year-old cast-iron main […]
In a stunning display of armchair activism gone awry, 42-year-old Facebook warrior Dave “PatriotDave87” Thompson from suburban Ohio spent an agonising three days scouring Google for the elusive flag of Greenland, only to slap it on his profile picture in a bid to “stand with the ice people against climate tyranny.” Sources close to Thompson—namely […]
In a plot twist worthy of a rom-com reboot, local lass Fiona MacTavish proudly announced she’s dating a man she calls “Dustin Hoffman.” No, not the Oscar-winning legend – just a very short bloke who, as Fiona insists, “looks exactly like him, but in miniature.”The unnamed suitor stands at a compact 5’2”, prompting friends to […]
