Keir Starmer Unveils “National Service Lite”: Two Weekends a Year and a Free Greggs Voucher

Prime Minister Keir Starmer today launched his long-awaited conscription plan, rebranded as “National Service Lite” to avoid alarming anyone who still remembers rationing.

Under the scheme, every 18-year-old will be required to complete 24 days of service over two years – conveniently scheduled across bank-holiday weekends so nobody misses Love Island. Participants will learn essential life skills: how to salute a spreadsheet, fold a Union Jack napkin, and identify a cyber threat from a phishing email promising free Nectar points.

“We’re not bringing back National Service,” Starmer insisted, wearing a hi-vis vest labelled “DEFENCE READY”. “This is modern, flexible, optional-compulsory service for a new generation. You can choose your weekend slot via the GOV.UK app. Or we choose it for you. Either way, choice.”

Options include cyber-defence training (mostly watching awareness videos), community litter-picking (branded as “environmental resilience”), and ceremonial flag-folding at regional car-boot sales. Those who excel may earn the coveted “Starmer Service Star” – a sticker redeemable for 10% off at Greggs.

Critics called it “conscription by PowerPoint”. Defence Secretary John Healey countered: “This isn’t boots on the ground. It’s trainers on the pavement. And only occasionally.”

Opposition leader Kemi Badenoch accused the PM of “trying to draft teenagers into his approval ratings”. Reform UK’s Nigel Farage demanded full kit inspections and bayonet practice “like the good old days – 2016, obviously”.

A No. 10 source admitted: “The PM remains deeply committed to national service in principle. In practice we’re consulting on whether ‘service’ includes mandatory attendance at cabinet meetings via Zoom.”

Starmer concluded: “This isn’t about war. It’s about togetherness. And making sure every young person knows how to queue properly – for their own good.”