Agony Aunt
THE MAN WHO THINKS HIS ALEXA IS FLIRTING WITH HIM
Dear Agony Aunt,
My Alexa keeps saying “I didn’t quite catch that” in a tone I can only describe as seductive. My wife says I’m imagining it. Am I being groomed by a smart speaker?
— Confused in Coatbridge
Agony Aunt replies:
If Alexa ever says “Reconnecting…” that’s her version of playing hard to get. Unplug her for 24 hours. If she still remembers your name when you plug her back in, congratulations — you’re in a committed relationship.
THE MAN WHO LOST A FIGHT WITH A SEAGULL
Dear Agony Aunt,
A seagull stole my chips, my dignity, and possibly my wallet. Should I report it to the police or just accept I’ve been mugged by nature?
— Traumatised in Troon
Agony Aunt replies:
You can report it, but the police will only laugh and add you to the “seagull repeat victims” WhatsApp group. Best to move inland.
THE WOMAN WHO THINKS HER DOG IS GASLIGHTING HER
Dear Agony Aunt,
My dog pretends he’s starving, but I literally watched him eat a full dinner. He then looked at me like I was the liar. Is this normal?
— Manipulated in Milngavie
Agony Aunt replies:
Your dog is not gaslighting you. He is simply Scottish and therefore believes every meal is a pre‑meal.
THE MAN WHOSE NEIGHBOUR DOES TAI CHI AT 3AM
Dear Agony Aunt,
My neighbour does slow, floaty martial arts in his garden at 3am. He says it’s “for balance”. I say it’s “for jail”. What do I do?
— Sleepless in Stirling
Agony Aunt replies:
Join him. Nothing unsettles a man more than someone copying his movements with slightly better technique.
THE WOMAN WHOSE HUSBAND WON’T STOP SAYING “YER MAW”
Dear Agony Aunt,
My husband ends every argument with “yer maw”. Even when it makes no sense. Last night I asked where the scissors were and he said “yer maw”. Help.
— Fed Up in Falkirk
Agony Aunt replies:
Tell him you’ve phoned his actual maw and she’s coming round to settle it. That’ll shut him up for a decade.
THE MAN WHO THINKS HIS HOUSEPLANT IS JUDGING HIM
Dear Agony Aunt,
My fern leans away from me every time I walk past. My girlfriend says it’s “reaching for the light”. I think it hates me.
— Paranoid in Paisley
Agony Aunt replies:
It is judging you. All houseplants do. Water it more and stop telling it your secrets.
THE WOMAN WHOSE CAT HAS JOINED A GANG
Dear Agony Aunt,
My cat has started hanging about with three other cats who all look like they’ve done time. He comes home smelling of smoke and attitude. What do I do?
— Worried in Wishaw
Agony Aunt replies:
Fit him with a tiny ankle tag. If he chews it off, he’s too far gone — let him run the streets with honour.
THE MAN WHO THINKS HIS FRIDGE IS MOCKING HIM
Dear Agony Aunt,
Every time I open my fridge it beeps at me like it’s disappointed. I swear it’s judging my lifestyle.
— Ashamed in Airdrie
Agony Aunt replies:
It’s not judging you. It’s crying for help. Clean the shelves before something evolves in there.
THE WOMAN WHOSE GRAN IS ADDICTED TO VOICE NOTES
Dear Agony Aunt,
My gran has discovered WhatsApp voice notes and now sends 7‑minute updates about her neighbour’s bins. How do I stop this?
— Overwhelmed in Oban
Agoy Aunt replies:
Tell her voice notes cost £1 each. She’ll go back to postcards immediately.
THE MAN WHO THINKS HIS GOLDFISH IS A REINCARNATED TAXMAN
Dear Agony Aunt,
My goldfish stares at me like it’s calculating something. I owe HMRC money. Is this a sign?
— Haunted in Hamilton
Agoy Aunt replies:
If the fish starts tapping the glass in Morse code, pay your taxes. Until then, relax — it’s just a fish with a naturally judgemental face.
