Meteor Declines to Hit Earth, Citing “Brand Misalignment”

In an unprecedented move that has baffled scientists, astrologers, and at least one guy in a Greggs queue, a rogue meteor travelling at 72,000 mph has formally announced it will not be hitting Earth this week, citing “creative differences” with the planet.

The meteor—officially designated Object 44B, unofficially calling itself “Craig”—released a statement early this morning via a hastily assembled press conference in low orbit.

“I’ve spent millions of years hurtling through the void, building my personal brand,” Craig said, rotating slowly for dramatic effect. “And frankly, Earth just isn’t the right fit for my long‑term trajectory. Too much drama. Too many sequels. I’m not interested in being another extinction event in a franchise that peaked with the dinosaurs.”

NASA attempted to negotiate, offering Craig a range of impact zones including “uninhabited desert,” “lightly inhabited car park,” and “somewhere in the sea where nobody will notice.” Craig declined all options.

“I’m pivoting,” the meteor explained. “I’m exploring opportunities in the outer solar system. Jupiter’s people have been in touch. They get me.”

Earth governments have responded with a mixture of relief and mild offence. The UK issued a statement saying it “respects Craig’s decision” but would “appreciate a heads‑up next time before blocking off half the news cycle.” France shrugged. Australia asked if Craig could at least swing by for a photo.

Meanwhile, social media has erupted with the hashtag #LetCraigChoose, with supporters praising the meteor for “setting boundaries” and “prioritising self‑care.”

Craig is expected to slingshot past Earth later tonight, waving politely before disappearing into deep space to “work on myself and maybe start a podcast.”

Humanity, for once, is happy to be ghosted.