Facebook to Launch ‘Other Arseholes You Might Know’ Feature

In a groundbreaking effort to turn every scroll into a therapy session, Facebook has unveiled its most ambitious feature yet: ‘Other Arseholes You Might Know’.

Rolling out globally next month, the tool will use advanced AI to trawl through your entire digital history – every passive-aggressive like, every muted group chat, every time you’ve rage-typed then deleted – and serve up a fresh batch of people guaranteed to make your blood pressure spike.

“Connecting loved ones is so 2010,” explained Meta executive Chad Algorithm in a company blog post. “Today’s users crave authenticity. Nothing feels more real than being reminded of that guy who once argued with you for forty minutes about whether pineapple belongs on pizza.”

Beta testers have been left stunned by the precision. One London user was instantly suggested her ex-flatmate who never paid rent, the colleague who CC’d the entire office on her resignation email, and the random uncle who sends chain messages about 5G mind control. “It’s like Facebook read my diary and then photocopied the worst pages,” she said.

Privacy experts have called the feature “a digital restraining-order violation,” but Meta remains unfazed. “Users can simply ignore the suggestions,” a spokesperson clarified, “or block them again. It’s all part of the fun!”

Future updates reportedly include ‘People Who Still Owe You Money’ and ‘Relatives Who Tag You in Cringe Memes’. As one weary user summed it up: “Facebook used to help me find friends. Now it’s helping me remember why I don’t have any.”