Wayne Rooney’s Giant Head Mistaken for Ball in Everton Legends Match

Everton’s charity legends game descended into farce yesterday when Wayne Rooney’s enormous, balloon-like head was repeatedly kicked instead of the actual ball.

The 40-year-old pundit, whose cranium now measures roughly the circumference of a regulation size-5 football, was guesting for the Toffees old boys against a Liverpool XI. Witnesses report that within ninety seconds of kick-off, three separate players – including Tim Cahill and Leon Osman – launched full-blooded volleys at what they believed was a wayward pass.

“It just looked so round and shiny,” admitted Cahill, nursing a bruised instep. “I saw it bobbling about near the centre circle and thought, ‘That’s begging to be leathered.’ Turns out it was Wayne’s napper.”

Rooney, unfazed, spent most of the match jogging slowly with arms outstretched like a malfunctioning lighthouse. “I’ve got used to it,” he told reporters post-match, voice slightly muffled. “People have been heading me since 2004. Difference is now they actually connect.”

Confusion peaked in the 38th minute when Phil Jagielka attempted a long throw-in, grabbed Rooney by the ears, and hurled his head 40 yards downfield. The giant dome sailed over the opposition defence before bouncing awkwardly into the penalty area, where it was calmly chested down by Jamie Carragher.

“I thought it was one of those new lightweight balls,” Carragher shrugged. “Felt a bit heavier, mind. And it swore at me.”

Referee Howard Webb eventually abandoned play after the head rolled into the goalmouth and refused to come out, claiming cramp. Everton won 3–1 on account of “most convincing projectile”.

Rooney later posed for selfies with his own forehead, insisting the condition is “purely cosmetic” and “definitely not performance-enhancing”. Sources close to The Dafty suggest he’s already in talks to become the club’s new golden retriever.