Scots to Get World Cup Bank Holiday – to Celebrate Getting Pumped by Haiti in Their Opening Game

In a move hailed as “the most Scottish thing since deep-fried disappointment”, the Scottish Government has announced a nationwide bank holiday to mark the national football team’s traditional opening-game calamity at the 2026 World Cup.

The new public holiday, provisionally titled “Haiti Humiliation Day”, will fall on the Monday immediately following Scotland’s expected 4-0 reverse to Haiti in their Group C opener in Dallas. Finance Secretary Shona Robison explained the decision in Holyrood this afternoon while wearing a replica 1978 Argentina away strip for reasons she refused to clarify.

“Look,” she said, “we’re realistic people. We’ve done the maths. We’ve seen the friendlies. The smart money is on us shipping three before half-time and then conceding a fourth from a corner we somehow manage to lose in our own six-yard box. Rather than pretend otherwise, we’re leaning in. A day off to nurse the hangover, burn the strips and pretend we support literally anyone else feels like good value for the taxpayer.”

The holiday will entitle every worker in Scotland to a paid day’s mourning, with additional “compassionate leave” offered to those who watched the match live and are still experiencing “intrusive thoughts about John McGinn’s hospital pass”. Pubs will be permitted to open at 8 a.m. for “therapeutic breakfast pints”, while schools have been advised to replace PE lessons with “reflective colouring-in of the Saltire in black crayon”.

Opposition parties have called the move “defeatist”, but SNP backbenchers insist it is merely “culturally authentic”. One MSP, speaking on condition of anonymity, muttered: “If we’re going to get pumped, we might as well get the day off for it. It’s practically devolution in action.”

Haiti’s FA has yet to comment, though sources close to their camp suggest they are “mildly confused” by the tribute.