Football Team Launches Kit Made of Recycled Excuses

A struggling lower‑league football club has unveiled what it calls “the most sustainable kit in Scottish sporting history,” proudly announcing that the new home strip is made entirely from 100% recycled excuses from last season.

The material — described by the club as “lightweight, breathable, and emotionally fragile” — is woven from classics such as “the ref hates us,” “the pitch was cursed,” “the sun was in my eyes,” and the ever‑reliable “we were unlucky, actually.”

Club officials say the kit represents “a bold step towards environmental responsibility and accountability avoidance.” The manager insists it’s a perfect fit for the squad: “We wanted a shirt that reflects our identity. And our identity, historically, is blaming absolutely everything except ourselves.”

Players say the new fabric feels “surprisingly soft,” though some report that the sleeves become heavy when the team falls behind, absorbing fresh excuses in real time. One defender claims his shirt gained “at least two kilos” during a pre‑season friendly after he shouted, “I slipped!” six times in 14 minutes.

The away kit, launching next month, is rumoured to be made from recycled VAR complaints and the phrase “we go again.”

Fans have responded with cautious enthusiasm. Many say they’ll buy the shirt because it’s “limited edition,” while others admit they simply enjoy the honesty. “At least they’re owning it,” said one supporter. “Last year’s performances were biodegradable anyway.”

The club shop has already sold out of size large, medium, and “manager fit,” with more stock expected once the team generates additional excuses during the opening fixtures.

A third kit is planned for winter, allegedly made from pure, concentrated disappointment.