In a move industry analysts are calling “bold, inevitable, and deeply exhausting,” Facebook has announced the launch of its newest feature: the Virtue Signal Button, a shimmering icon shaped like a halo perched atop a smug little thumbs‑up.The button, which glows brighter the more morally superior the user feels, is designed to help people express […]
In a surprise livestream from a balcony Wi‑Fi extender installed “for pastoral reasons,” the Pope has announced that Purgatory — the long‑standing spiritual waiting room for the morally middling — has officially been migrated to a cloud‑based online portal.The new system, titled Purgatory™ Beta, promises “reduced queue times, improved transparency, and a modern user interface […]
In a move economists are describing as “bold, innovative, and possibly illegal in seventeen jurisdictions,” several major UK banks have announced a new financial product aimed at stabilising the economy: 30‑year fixed‑rate mortgages for children aged five and under.The scheme, branded My First Mortgage™, promises to “empower the nation’s youth with the crushing financial responsibility […]
In a move industry experts are calling “brave”, “innovative”, and “deeply petty”, Netflix has unveiled its latest strategy to stop customers sharing their login details with friends, family, ex-partners, neighbours, and that one guy from five-a-side who once said “sound mate” and has been on your account ever since.The streaming giant announced the plan during […]
In an unprecedented turn of events that experts are already calling “a catastrophic administrative malfunction,” the UK Government today issued a press release claiming it had successfully completed every promise it has ever made.The statement, which appeared briefly on the government website before being replaced by a 404 error and a picture of a confused […]
In a bold move that industry analysts are calling “either visionary or a logistical cry for help,” Barbie’s parent company has announced its most ambitious initiative yet: Barbie for Absolutely Everyone, a product line so inclusive it threatens to collapse under the weight of its own good intentions. At a press conference held in a […]
ASDA has announced a groundbreaking new strategy to tackle its rapidly escalating shoplifting problem, after internal analysts confirmed that “half the meal deals walking out the door aren’t on legs we pay for.”According to leaked memos, the supermarket giant has grown tired of pretending the self‑checkout voice — “Unexpected item in the bagging area” — […]
In a surprise press conference held in a community centre that had accidentally double‑booked them with a Zumba class, the Reform Party announced its most ambitious policy platform yet: “Operation: Sort It All Out.”Party officials described the plan as “a comprehensive blueprint for national renewal,” though admitted the blueprint itself is “still in the conceptual […]
In a press conference that began with confetti cannons and ended with a quiet existential crisis, Mattel today announced the launch of Diversity Barbie™, a doll so inclusive that even the marketing team admitted they “lost track of what was being included by the end.”The new Barbie reportedly comes in 412 variations, including “Barbie Who […]
Residents of the quiet cul‑de‑sac of Broomhill Crescent were left reeling yesterday after a local plumber, 42‑year‑old tradesman and part‑time pie enthusiast Gary “Gasket” McFadden, arrived exactly when he said he would. The event, described by witnesses as “unnerving”, “historic”, and “a sign the simulation is glitching”, has triggered a full societal recalibration. McFadden, booked […]