Trump Announces Plan to Annex Scotland: “It’s Basically Highland-land – Mine Now!”

In a surprise video posted from the balcony of Trump Turnberry at 3 a.m. local time, former President Donald Trump declared that Scotland is “tremendously Scottish, but it ends with ‘land’ – therefore it belongs to me.”

“Scotland? That’s MY land now, folks. The best land. Haggis-land. Kilts-land. Loch Ness Monster-land. I’m annexing the whole thing. We’re going to make it huge again. Believe me.”

Standing in front of a hastily draped American flag over the Turnberry golf course, Trump waved a rolled-up map of the UK with Scotland circled in gold Sharpie. “I look at England – they don’t end with ‘land,’ so they can stay. Wales? No ‘land.’ Northern Ireland? No ‘land.’ But Scotland? Total land. It’s like Poundland, but with more midges and fewer three-for-two offers.”

The announcement has sparked chaos north of the border. Nicola Sturgeon (in retirement) tweeted simply: “No.” Humza Yousaf reportedly choked on his porridge. The SNP emergency-called an independence referendum… about independence from America.

Trump outlined his vision: “We’re renaming Edinburgh ‘Trumpburgh.’ Glasgow becomes ‘Trumplow.’ Aberdeen? ‘Big Oil-land’ – perfect. And the entire Highlands? One giant Trump Golf Resort & Distillery. We’ll make Scotch whisky great again – with gold labels and my face on every bottle. Tremendous.”

When pressed on international law, Trump shrugged. “Law? I have the best lawyers. Very expensive. And tariffs. We’ll put 1,000% tariffs on shortbread unless they surrender peacefully. Also, bagpipes will now play ‘Yankee Doodle’ at every parade. Beautiful.”

The people of Scotland have responded with characteristic restraint: pubs across the country raised a defiant toast of Irn-Bru and Tennent’s, while online memes of Trump in a kilt (with suspiciously small sporran) went viral. One viral post read: “If he wants Scotland, he can have the weather too.”

White House officials declined to comment, but sources say aides are frantically searching Google Maps for any other countries ending in “-land” before the boss gets any more ideas.

As one Glasgow taxi driver put it: “He can try annexing us, but good luck getting the midges to salute the flag.”