Prime Minister Shocked to Learn Scandals Don’t Expire After 30 Days Like Tesco Meal Deals

In a hastily arranged press conference outside Downing Street this morning, Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer appeared genuinely astonished after being informed that political scandals do not, in fact, come with a 30-day “use-by” date and a two-for-one discount voucher.

“I was under the impression that once the initial furore dies down, the story automatically enters the ‘reduced for quick sale’ section of public memory,” Starmer told reporters, clutching what appeared to be a crumpled Tesco Clubcard. “You know, like when the chicken tikka masala suddenly becomes 50p because nobody bought it on day one. I thought that was how accountability worked.”

Sources close to No. 10 say the revelation came during a routine cabinet meeting when Chancellor Rachel Reeves casually remarked that the ongoing freebies controversy from last summer was “still technically within its best-before window.” Starmer reportedly froze mid-sip of his ethically-sourced tap water before asking, “Wait. There’s no best-before on this?”

The Prime Minister then spent several minutes rifling through his briefing folder looking for the “return to sender” policy he believed applied after 28 days. Finding none, he is said to have muttered, “But I accepted the glasses and the accommodation in good faith. Surely there’s a cooling-off period?”

Opposition leader Kemi Badenoch described the moment as “the most honest thing I’ve seen from this government,” while social media users quickly began photoshopping Starmer’s face onto Tesco meal-deal packaging with slogans such as “Best enjoyed before the next U-turn” and “May contain traces of integrity.”

A Number 10 spokesperson later clarified: “The Prime Minister remains fully committed to transparency, value, and making sure every scandal is enjoyed responsibly within its clearly marked window of public outrage. Which, apparently, has no window.”