Shamed Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor Banned From Riding Merry-Go-Round Horses at Fairgrounds Over Grooming Fears
In the latest blow to the House of Windsor’s already wobbly reputation, Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor has been formally banned from every merry-go-round in Britain after fairground bosses declared his presence a “clear and present grooming risk” to both the painted ponies and teenage girls who ride them.
The nationwide prohibition, signed by the British Amusement Park Operators’ Guild (BAPOG), follows “multiple credible reports” of the 64-year-old royal hanging around the Waltzer and coconut shy at the annual Wessex Steam Fair, allegedly asking toddlers if they’d like “a special private turn on the golden stallion – no parents allowed.”
Fair owner Terry “Big Top” McGuffin told The Dafty: “We’ve got zero tolerance for anyone who makes the horses look uncomfortable. Last year he tried to pay in £50 notes with his face on them and kept saying the wooden mare ‘reminded him of someone he once met in a pizza restaurant.’ We’re not having it.”
A leaked memo from the Guild reveals Andrew was caught on CCTV attempting to “groom” a carousel horse with a small brush he claimed was “just for the mane, honest,” while whispering, “You don’t sweat, do you? I don’t sweat. Much.”
The Duke’s legal team immediately issued a furious statement from his 30-bedroom “modest” Surrey bolthole. “Our client adores fairground attractions and has never, repeat never, offered anyone a ride they didn’t want,” it read. “This is blatant discrimination against a man whose only crime is loving wooden horses and occasionally waving at teenagers from a distance of 400 yards.”
Mothers at the banned fair were unanimous. “I’d rather let my kid ride the ghost train with actual ghosts,” said one. Another added: “He kept asking if the music was ‘slow enough for a proper conversation.’ Creepy doesn’t cover it.”
Palace sources say King Charles is “quietly delighted” and has already ordered extra cotton candy for the rest of the family. Meanwhile, Andrew is reportedly considering legal action against the entire British fairground industry and has been spotted practising his innocent face in a mirror while clutching a My Little Pony.
The Dafty understands he plans to launch an appeal at the European Court of Human Rights, arguing that denying a prince the right to sit on a spinning plastic unicorn violates his human dignity.
