Pyongyang Celebrates Grand Opening of First-Ever Greggs, Immediately Declares It “Most Powerful Bakery on Earth”

North Korea has stunned the international community once again, this time by unveiling its first-ever Greggs — a move state media is calling “a decisive victory over Western pastry imperialism.”

The bakery, located just outside Pyongyang’s Revolutionary Roundabout, opened to scenes of wild enthusiasm as citizens queued for hours to sample what officials described as “the People’s Sausage Roll of Destiny.”

According to the Korean Central News Agency, the Supreme Leader personally approved the menu after a rigorous tasting session involving 47 varieties of pasty, three emergency doctors, and one unfortunate translator who mispronounced “steak bake.”

Inside, the décor is unmistakably Greggs: blue signage, warm lighting, and a portrait of Kim Jong-un holding a vegan sausage roll like it’s a newborn heir. The menu, however, has been “culturally adapted.” Highlights include:

– The Juche Jam Doughnut — filled with “self-reliance and raspberry.”

– The People’s Steak Bake — identical to the UK version, except it comes with a mandatory loyalty oath.

– The Supreme Leader’s Yum Yum — reportedly so sweet it has been classified as a controlled substance.

Early reviews from locals have been glowing. One customer, wiping tears from his eyes after his first bite of a chicken bake, declared, “I finally understand freedom.”

British defectors, already flocking to North Korea in search of “less authoritarian vibes,” have hailed the bakery as a sign they made the right choice. “It’s like home,” said one man from Hull, “except the staff salute you and the sausage rolls are considered a national security asset.”

State media has hinted that more branches may open soon, though expansion depends on “the availability of flour, electricity, and ideological purity.”

For now, Pyongyang’s Greggs stands proudly as the only bakery on Earth where you can buy a sausage roll and accidentally commit treason.