Man Claims He’s ‘Off Social Media’ While Still Lurking Everywhere

A Paisley man has proudly announced he is “taking a break from social media,” despite overwhelming evidence that he is, in fact, haunting every platform like a Victorian ghost with Wi‑Fi.

Friends say the man — who asked not to be named but whose online handle is @SilentButScrolling — made a dramatic public statement last week, posting a black‑and‑white Instagram story reading: “Time for ME. Logging off. Be kind.”

He then proceeded to watch 147 stories, like three posts by accident, and join a Facebook group called “People Who Pretend They’re Offline But Aren’t.”

Experts say this behaviour is typical of the modern “stealth scroller,” a species that refuses to post but consumes content with the intensity of a man reading court documents about himself.

One friend reports receiving a message at 2:14am saying, “I’m not online btw,” immediately followed by a screenshot of a tweet he had clearly spent 20 minutes zooming in on.

Another friend claims the man has become so committed to lurking that he now reacts to posts emotionally but silently — smiling at memes, shaking his head at engagements, and gasping at drama — all without leaving a single trace. “He’s basically a digital poltergeist,” she said. “You can feel him watching, but you can’t prove it.”

Despite his insistence that he is “offline and thriving,” the man was spotted yesterday on TikTok at 9:07am, 11:52am, 3:16pm, and for a suspiciously long session between 1:00 and 1:47am.

When confronted, he simply replied:

“I’m not on social media. I’m just… checking it.”

He then refreshed Instagram for the 34th time.