Fears for Local Woman Trapped Inside TikTok’s Scrolling Feed

Concern is mounting for 34-year-old local woman Fiona McScroll, who has reportedly been trapped inside her own TikTok For You Page for the past 47 hours.

Friends and family say Fiona was last seen in the real world on Sunday evening, when she innocently opened the app to “just watch one quick video about organising sock drawers.” What followed was a relentless vortex of dance challenges, life hacks involving baking soda, and suspiciously perfect strangers lip-syncing to 2009 pop songs.

“She just kept scrolling,” sobbed flatmate Karen, clutching a half-eaten bag of crisps. “I kept shouting, ‘Fiona, the pizza’s here!’ but she only muttered, ‘One more, it’s getting good.’ Then her eyes went glassy and she sort of… vanished into the phone. I think she’s in there somewhere between a golden retriever doing yoga and a man explaining why the moon is fake.”

Neighbours report strange phenomena emanating from Fiona’s flat: the unmistakable sound of duets, sudden bursts of sped-up audio, and the faint glow of algorithmically curated thirst traps seeping under the door.

TikTok has issued a brief statement: “We’re aware of the situation and are working to optimise Fiona’s feed so she can escape naturally. In the meantime, we’ve pushed three more ‘POV: You’re a Victorian ghost haunting a modern kitchen’ videos her way to keep her entertained.”

Emergency services have attempted to extract Fiona by holding the phone up to a mirror and yelling “Swipe left! Swipe left!” but so far only managed to trigger an avalanche of “duet this” notifications.

A GoFundMe titled “Help Fiona Escape the Scroll – She’s Seen 8,000 Videos About Decluttering” has already raised £47, mostly in the form of TikTok coins.