Bastard Roadworks Bring Nation to Standstill, Hope of Normal Life Slim

The country was plunged into turmoil yesterday after yet another set of bastard roadworks appeared overnight, multiplying across the map like orange‑cone gremlins. Experts say the situation has now reached “unmanageable levels,” with some towns reporting more temporary traffic lights than actual residents.

The chaos began at 6:58am when commuter Alan McSorley encountered a single workman leaning on a shovel beside a 14‑mile tailback. Witnesses say the man occasionally nodded at passing cars in a manner described as “smug but haunting.”

By mid‑morning, reports of fresh roadworks were spreading faster than a rumour in a group chat. One woman in Stirling claimed a set of cones materialised outside her driveway while she was reversing. Another citizen reported that a diversion sign sent him in a perfect circle, returning him to the same junction 22 minutes older and spiritually defeated.

Transport officials insist the works are “essential,” though leaked documents allegedly list the objectives as:

1. Cause mild but persistent misery

2. Confuse drivers into questioning their own memory

3. Ensure no journey is ever completed in under 40 minutes again

A national survey revealed the top three most hated roadwork features:

• Temporary lights that stay red long enough to age cheese

• Holes in the road that appear to be purely decorative

• Signs that say “EXPECT DELAYS” as if that isn’t the entire point of roadworks

Scientists warn the nation is approaching “critical cone fatigue,” noting that the average driver now sighs 37 times per commute.

Authorities advise citizens to remain calm, follow diversions responsibly, and resist the urge to shout “finish something for once” at workers who definitely don’t set the schedule.