5 Things to Do When You Win F*ck All in the Lottery
Congratulations, you magnificent non-winner. The balls have spoken: your numbers remain as relevant as a dial-up modem. While some lucky bastard is currently panic-buying six hot tubs “just because,” here are five gloriously deranged ways to process the fact that the universe personally hates you.
Buy another ticket using the exact same numbers – but backwards
Logic is for cowards. Reverse the sequence, whisper “ye’re gettin it this time, ya bastard” into the ticket, then kiss it three times like it’s your granny’s lucky rosary beads. If you still lose, blame the ticket machine for being dyslexic.
Announce your “win” at full volume in the bookies
Scream “THAT’S ME SORTED, BOYS – JUST WON THE LOTTERY!” then pause for dramatic effect before adding “…of fuck all again.” Milk the stunned silence. Someone will definitely buy you a consolation Tennent’s. Victory through public humiliation is the purest form.
Auction your losing ticket as a “limited-edition disappointment artefact”
List it on Gumtree with the description: “Once held a dream. Now holds only existential dread. Slight crease from being angrily crumpled. Opening bid: one packet of crisps (square variety preferred).” A man in Govan recently sold his Saturday rollover corpse for £3.50 and a half-eaten kebab.
Declare yourself High Priest of the Church of Fuck All
Ordain your mates in a candlelit ceremony using a Lidl baguette as a sceptre. Issue commandments such as “Thou shalt not check thy numbers until at least three pints in” and “Verily, the jackpot is a capitalist psy-op.” Collect tithings in the form of spare change and Werther’s Originals.
Marry the ticket
Full Highland wedding. Kilt, piper, the lot. Vows should include “In richer or poorer (mostly poorer), in jackpot or in jack shit, till death or the next rollover do us part.” Post the photos on Facebook with the caption “Finally found The One who never lets me down by actually paying out.”
Scotland, your destiny remains beautifully, defiantly skint. Roll on Saturday. The dream is still only £2.50 away from another brutal mugging.
