Overweight People to Undergo Three-Point-Turn Training Before Being Allowed Into Supermarkets

Westminster – In a move hailed as “long overdue common sense” by the Department of Public Aisles, the government has unveiled mandatory three-point-turn training for anyone whose BMI exceeds 30 before they may legally enter a supermarket.

The new “Manoeuvre-ability Assessment Scheme” (MAS), launching nationwide next month, requires applicants to demonstrate proficiency in navigating a mocked-up supermarket aisle using only a shopping trolley. Examiners – retired driving instructors now retrained in trolley dynamics – will judge candidates on their ability to execute a crisp three-point turn between the baked beans and the tinned tomatoes without clipping a promotional stack of crisps or causing a “trolley-jam incident.”

“Obesity isn’t just a health crisis,” explained Health Secretary Dr Reginald Waistline at the launch briefing. “It’s a spatial crisis. We’ve all been stuck behind someone attempting a 47-point turn at the end of the freezer section while their trolley blocks the entire Yorkshire pudding aisle. Enough is enough.”

Training centres – repurposed former B&Q car parks – will feature replica supermarket layouts complete with rogue toddlers, abandoned baskets, and rogue pensioners who stop dead to read every label. Successful candidates receive a laminated “Aisle-Approved” pass valid for 12 months, after which they must re-sit if their waist measurement increases by more than two inches.

Critics have called the scheme discriminatory. One protester outside Parliament, pushing a reinforced industrial trolley, shouted: “This is body-shaming with added reverse parking!” Government sources countered that the measure is purely practical: “We’re not saying you can’t shop. We’re saying do it efficiently. Think of it as congestion charging for your circumference.”

Early test results are promising. One 18-stone volunteer passed first time after mastering the “tight-reverse-around-the-endcap” manoeuvre. “I feel empowered,” he told reporters. “And slightly less likely to cause a pyramid of baked beans to collapse.”

At press time, the scheme’s fine print revealed an exemption clause: anyone who can prove they only shop online will be issued a lifetime digital pass – provided they promise never to mention “click and collect” in public again.