LONDON – In what supporters are calling “a national humanitarian crisis”, a GoFundMe campaign has been launched to rescue former Business Secretary Peter Mandelson from the indignity of threadbare underwear. The page, titled “New Y-Fronts for Peter – Because Elastic Has Rights Too”, appeared online this morning and has already raised £47, mostly from confused […]
LONDON – In the largest act of civil disobedience since the Poll Tax riots, an estimated 7.4 million British households have formally cancelled their TV licences this month after reportedly “genuinely believing” the BBC was broadcasting actual news.The mass exodus began in early January when a viral WhatsApp forward claimed the corporation had accidentally switched […]
Bishopbriggs commuters were left traumatised, dizzy, and in one case spiritually adrift after local man Gavin McCluskey, 42, declared himself the town’s “independent traffic flow consultant” and took control of the main roundabout armed with a £3.99 hi‑vis vest and the swagger of a man who once skim‑read a Wikipedia page about civil engineering.Witnesses say […]
Glasgow’s new pavement‑parking ban has officially begun, and within hours the city descended into a level of confusion normally reserved for IKEA returns and the ScotRail timetable. Residents, long accustomed to treating pavements as personal driveways, have reacted with disbelief. One bewildered driver in Dennistoun was spotted gently stroking his Vauxhall Corsa and whispering, “It’s […]
♒ Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)Love: You’ll attempt emotional vulnerability this month, only to immediately regret it when someone asks, “Are you okay?”Money: A mysterious direct debit labelled “Probably You?” appears. It was you.Luck: You’ll find a £2 coin in a coat you don’t remember buying.—♓ Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)Love: You fall […]
In a stunning turn of events that has rocked the sleepy industrial park of Widgetville, local forklift driver Barry Hargrove has tendered his resignation amid explosive allegations of ties to the late Jeffrey Epstein. Hargrove, 47, who has spent the last 15 years expertly maneouvering pallets of expired yoghurt and knock-off widgets, announced his departure […]
LONDON – In a surprise late-night Instagram Live from what appeared to be a badly lit Vauxhall Corsa, Prince Andrew has categorically denied being the man in the newly unearthed photograph allegedly showing him arm-in-arm with Jeffrey Epstein at a notorious Palm Beach pool party in 2002.The grainy image, which surfaced yesterday on a sketchy […]
TEHRAN – Iranian men are in full meltdown mode after the long-awaited Melania Trump documentary finally landed — and spectacularly failed to land anything worth landing on.Billed as Melania: The Enigma in Heels, the film was secretly hoped (in dark Telegram corners and barber-shop whispers) to deliver the one reveal every lad had been trouser-pressing […]
In a move that has left meteorologists and milkmen alike stunned, the United Kingdom has been plunged into chaos by the ferocious return of the “Beast from the East,” a Siberian monster that apparently forgot to check the calendar before gatecrashing January 2026.Experts at The Dafty Weather Desk confirm the Arctic flurries began innocently enough: […]
In a move that’s got everyone from Westminster to Wuhan scratching their heads, the UK government has announced a groundbreaking partnership with China to tackle the migrant boat crisis in the English Channel. Dubbed “Operation Great Wall of Water,” the plan involves deploying elite Chinese police officers to patrol the choppy waters aboard traditional dragon […]
